Why is change so hard — even when we really want it?

Last week, we decided to change one of our kids’ schools. It felt like the right decision -aligned with our values, with what he wanted, with what we believed in.

But it was harder than I expected.

Not because of the facts, but because of the feelings that brought, the pull of the familiar, the attachment to known names and paths, the risk of doing something different — even when we knew it was better.

That same week, a leader I work with said, “I want to empower the team more. I need to step back.”

They meant it, the logic was clear, the intention was strong. But when a key decision came up… they stepped in again.

That is the thing about change. It rarely fails because we do not care. It fails because something in us — and around us — is still wired to go back to what we know.

We talk a lot about change as a plan, a choice, a decision. But change is a systemic event. It lives inside our nervous system, our habits, our identities. And it lives around us — in culture, expectations, team dynamics and power structures.

We can see it as:

(1) wiring under the surface — past experiences, beliefs about what makes us safe or successful, fears about getting it wrong.

(2) cloud above us — the emotional atmosphere of the system, what is allowed and not allowed, what is encouraged or discouraged, what is said and what is avoided.

Until we can see both — the wiring and the cloud — we end up stuck. Because the system (internal and external) quietly pulls us back to its default.

So what helps?

Sometimes it is vision — something larger to move toward.

Sometimes it is values — a reminder of what matters, even when it is hard.

Sometimes it is just staying long enough in the discomfort — noticing the pattern without running until something begins to loosen. But often, it is naming what is happening underneath. Because until we see the wiring, we cannot rewire it.

This is the part of systemic work I find most meaningful right now because I am starting to see it more clearly — in myself, in others, in teams and organisations. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it. It does not make change easy but it does make it more real, honest, more felt.

Sometimes the most strategic thing we can do is to pause and ask:

What is the wiring underneath this resistance ?

What cloud are we moving through together?

Because we cannot shift what we dont see or know. If we dont rewire, the same patterns will keep showing up — no matter how good the plan looks on paper.

The work we do in us as individuals mimics the work with teams and organisations, it is just more complex as the drawing shows!